The Advice Giver: Let's pretend you're me, and you're kind of a slore always having boy troubles (I assume no boys have the friend who gives advice, simply because it would always go something like "fuck bitches, get money, cars, titties, swag, whoo! what?). You probably have that one friend who you know absolutely NOTHING about their love life, you probably assume that they don't have one, because their obviously asexual, this is the friend that you call, and disturb their Family Feud marathon at 12:34 a.m. to spill your annoying ass guts to. This friend will always give you the advice you know is right, YOU are the friend who never takes that advice. This is usually the friend that will be all "girl, i told you not to go out with Lamar ass, but you didn't wana listen to me uhn uhnnnn". And you just hang your head in shame. This is the friend that you like the most because they ain't scared to check yo ass all up and down bout yo shit.
Rating: I give this friend a solid 4 1/2 out of five. This is one of the best kind of friends to keep in your arsenal, the only downside of this friend is that their too good a friend, sometimes you just like, bitch, go do something crazy so I can be the good friend for once. Alas, they always stick to taking their kitties on long walks around the culdesac.
The Coolest Guy/Gal You Know: This is the friend who introduced you to Twitter, this is the friend who scoffs at you for liking anything that comes on the radio (touche). This is the friend who was listening to thatguywhojustbecamefamous wayyy before he was famous. We love this friend because they are SO DAMN COOL. You find yourself talking like them, saying shit like "unicorns and sprinkles, and ninjas, and 'awesome vintage thing dude'". This is the friend who, even at their most uncool moments, are cooler than you. You feel blessed that the good Lord sent you someone who makes you less awkward. This friend also doesn't have many friends. This friend hates people. Simple. This friend only likes you because you are weird. This friend wants to collect you. The really great thing about this friend, is that you can spend whole days with them, and learn something newer, and cooler everyday.
Rating: I'd give this friend a 4. This friend is great to have around when you're not doing anything because, they can make not doing anything, the coolest thing you've ever done. The downside of this friend, is that their always changing and adapting to what they consider is cool. And in the words of that German bitch, "one day you're in, and the next, you're out." :(
The Ho': This is the friend that you love. You love this friend because they represent everything that friendship is all about. You keep their slutty little secrets, you take them to the clinic to get that new crabs creme they want to try out, you even sort of admire them for their willingness to clearly not give a fuck about life. This friend is usually gorgeous. This friend is probably really sweet on the inside, their just, you know, a few walls short of a house, if ya know what im sayin'. Wait, what? Exactly. The number one thing to remember with this friend is that you NEVER criticize their ho shit. NEVER. You embrace this friend, and everything that they bring to the table. Which is probably only sex tips, maybe a lecture on the importance of oral sex. But these are the friends you NEED. These are the friends that make you feel better about your own ho' shit. You can always look real deep down and say "well, atleast I haven't fucked as many dudes as Keisha."
Rating: I'd give this friend a 3. This friend is completely awesome. Totally. But, birds of a feather do indeed flock to the dick together. Just by being a friend to this person, your own ho' status rises about 34%.
The Bitch You Cant Help But Love: This friend is quite simply a bitch. She or He (also know as a He-Bitch) does nothing all day but nag, criticize, and complain. You are usually the person they dump all this shit on. You normally know everything about all of their other friends because they have no problem tellin' you all they shit. This bitch hates you. She hates you and anybody else who isn't his or herself. You kind of hate them too. Except when you need to really bitch it out. Sometimes you just wana talk some shit. You call this friend. They damn near wet themselves at the prospect of being a bitch. It makes them smile. It makes you smile. Normally the smile fades when the person you bitched to them about somehow finds out. It is a cycle. You will never, ever get rid of this friend. You cant. They will find you. They might even kill you.
Rating: I give this friend a 2 1/2. This friend is good enough to be a brides maid in a very, very large wedding. You might even let your kids play with hers, but you NEVER consider this person your best friend. This person is about as real as your ho' friend's virginity. Remember that, you'll never go wrong.
*THIS IN NO WAY REFLECTS ANY OF MY FRIENDS. honestly. i'm not lying this time you guise.
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